It was about a year ago when I felt that I should begin telling my story, and I even began a blog, hidden in private but to a few people. Still ashamed to come out of the shadows of who I am. For 38 years I've been trying to do just that, so why would I think it would be so simple that I could do just that when I wanted to tell my story all of a sudden? Because it was new to me to share what made me who I was. Oh, I thought for a long time that I was an open book to my friends, but I wasnt, I hid behind many walls and masks of "ME". But no one really knew the feelings that I hid deep in my soul, not even I.
Not until years later when I went through a very dark period of my life when the gates opened and the flood waters rushed all my emotions to the top and the spilled out in a chaotic pool around my feet, almost drowning me. So for 6 years I picked through the waters, drop by drop, and rather than build that wall up, I formed a river that runs in time with my soul as it should. It has rocks that it must go over, branches that have fallen from time that I could not pick up and I have learned that they are supposed to be there, they have helped me formed that river. God had that plan all along, just like the rivers you walk along side and marvel at on your walk through the woods, such is my inner soul today. Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the trouble it takes along my path through the woods, but God has held my hand and suddenly looking back, 6 years has come and gone and is a memory now.
So...back to the last year, as I sat, writing in my little hidden blog, half hearted attempts at a journal. Trying to get courage to come out of the shadows to speak about depression, illness, my faith, my lack of as well, my highs and my lows, childhood hurts and disappointments, cancer, recovery.....I couldnt get it. I quit. My heart wasnt there. My soul wasnt there.
Then a little over a month ago an angel sent me a gift in the mail. Now she really isnt an angel. Her name is Amy, a good friend, and I believe God was using her at the right time and moment that I was open to hearing him. She sent me a little book called "Completely His". And it changed things for me. (Which I'm sure you'll here me reference about in later posts). I woke up suddenly. My eyes were open, and here I was a year later, same spot, here on the computer, and after a month of feeling that same old tug to talk about my story, even if no one reads this, for me, I need to do this, I realized something. I DO NEED TO DO THIS. God was telling me, "Rachel, come out of the shadows, speak about your story, maybe someone needs to hear what you have to say, just maybe you have something to say." Of course I'm NOT a speaker, I'm not articulate, I do half way decent on a blog but as far as public speaking goes..forget it. I really struggled with this....for a time. I questioned why I would even attempt this again, who would read this blog, if anyone, and why would I put myself out there and become so vulnerable? I asked God this out loud!
After reading this wonderful book and changing my prayer life and getting answers to prayers in ways that were clear and precise I again got an answer that day.
I have a window that faces my front yard and I sat there just waiting, as if God was gonna appear on my front porch in front of me and just tell me what to do...silly me. Right? Right....well not so much in that way. But a mockingbird suddenly did appear on a bench right at the window signing so loudly staring at me, and trying to get in the window. He did this for several days afterwards, each time I would contemplate if I should start a blog today.....so I decided..Okay God- your telling me something with this little bird, I'm not a speaker, but I'll just Fly By Faith. So here I am, Flyn' by Faith. I dont know how it will go, if anyone will read, but I do know this....its something I need to do, if not for anyone else, but for me. By the way, since I've decided for sure to do this and made my promise to God...my little mockingbird friend has not been back....
So if your wondering if this is going to be one of those shove it down your face Christian writings, dont worry, its not, but I will speak about my faith, but I'm also not writing this to condemn anyone of any faith or religion, this is for anyone, of all kinds shapes and sizes. Its about struggle and rebirth. I'm writing this to tell my story, and my faith is just a part of my story. So I hope you'll bookmark me, and if you have struggled with the things I've mentioned, or have a family member who is I hope you'll come back to read more. This is just the beginning of this flight, and trust me - I'm flyn' by faith here and I dont know where this will take me. But I'm gonna tell it like it is for once, and come out of my shadows, reveal the rivers that once pooled around me in an ocean and almost swallowed me whole. I'm proud of where I've come from, proud I didn't drown in it all, so - this is my story.
By the way...My name is Rachel...and today, the sun shines in my shadows!
Not until years later when I went through a very dark period of my life when the gates opened and the flood waters rushed all my emotions to the top and the spilled out in a chaotic pool around my feet, almost drowning me. So for 6 years I picked through the waters, drop by drop, and rather than build that wall up, I formed a river that runs in time with my soul as it should. It has rocks that it must go over, branches that have fallen from time that I could not pick up and I have learned that they are supposed to be there, they have helped me formed that river. God had that plan all along, just like the rivers you walk along side and marvel at on your walk through the woods, such is my inner soul today. Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the trouble it takes along my path through the woods, but God has held my hand and suddenly looking back, 6 years has come and gone and is a memory now.
So...back to the last year, as I sat, writing in my little hidden blog, half hearted attempts at a journal. Trying to get courage to come out of the shadows to speak about depression, illness, my faith, my lack of as well, my highs and my lows, childhood hurts and disappointments, cancer, recovery.....I couldnt get it. I quit. My heart wasnt there. My soul wasnt there.
Then a little over a month ago an angel sent me a gift in the mail. Now she really isnt an angel. Her name is Amy, a good friend, and I believe God was using her at the right time and moment that I was open to hearing him. She sent me a little book called "Completely His". And it changed things for me. (Which I'm sure you'll here me reference about in later posts). I woke up suddenly. My eyes were open, and here I was a year later, same spot, here on the computer, and after a month of feeling that same old tug to talk about my story, even if no one reads this, for me, I need to do this, I realized something. I DO NEED TO DO THIS. God was telling me, "Rachel, come out of the shadows, speak about your story, maybe someone needs to hear what you have to say, just maybe you have something to say." Of course I'm NOT a speaker, I'm not articulate, I do half way decent on a blog but as far as public speaking goes..forget it. I really struggled with this....for a time. I questioned why I would even attempt this again, who would read this blog, if anyone, and why would I put myself out there and become so vulnerable? I asked God this out loud!
After reading this wonderful book and changing my prayer life and getting answers to prayers in ways that were clear and precise I again got an answer that day.
I have a window that faces my front yard and I sat there just waiting, as if God was gonna appear on my front porch in front of me and just tell me what to do...silly me. Right? Right....well not so much in that way. But a mockingbird suddenly did appear on a bench right at the window signing so loudly staring at me, and trying to get in the window. He did this for several days afterwards, each time I would contemplate if I should start a blog today.....so I decided..Okay God- your telling me something with this little bird, I'm not a speaker, but I'll just Fly By Faith. So here I am, Flyn' by Faith. I dont know how it will go, if anyone will read, but I do know this....its something I need to do, if not for anyone else, but for me. By the way, since I've decided for sure to do this and made my promise to God...my little mockingbird friend has not been back....
So if your wondering if this is going to be one of those shove it down your face Christian writings, dont worry, its not, but I will speak about my faith, but I'm also not writing this to condemn anyone of any faith or religion, this is for anyone, of all kinds shapes and sizes. Its about struggle and rebirth. I'm writing this to tell my story, and my faith is just a part of my story. So I hope you'll bookmark me, and if you have struggled with the things I've mentioned, or have a family member who is I hope you'll come back to read more. This is just the beginning of this flight, and trust me - I'm flyn' by faith here and I dont know where this will take me. But I'm gonna tell it like it is for once, and come out of my shadows, reveal the rivers that once pooled around me in an ocean and almost swallowed me whole. I'm proud of where I've come from, proud I didn't drown in it all, so - this is my story.
By the way...My name is Rachel...and today, the sun shines in my shadows!
Well you've got MY attention! And I'm so glad that the book spoke to you personally. That little book changed my thinking as well, which is why I wanted to share it with all the women I love. Did you catch that? I love you Rae, and I believe in you! Can't wait to see how your story unfolds!
ReplyDeleteRachel,
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, and everyday I Praise our God I am so Blessed to have a friend as special as you.