Jumbled

Its been a long time since I've written. I've had several things happen to put some dents in my armor, maybe even small holes, that I've needed to recover from. When that happens I tend to recoil and hide from myself. I close up pull a shell around me. I've put those in my "family" - funny word family is. Yes I'm gonna get off track here for a moment. I think when most people, the normal people, images of love and warmth and safety come to mind, their mothers fathers, grandparents. For me, when I hear the word "family" I picture my kids, my loving man. A few friends. Me, - ya know - the immediate persons living under this roof with me. For me I'm very detached from that word beyond that. So what did I do before these beautiful souls, my children, existed? Family really was an empty word I think. I mean I loved my mother, brother, aunts and uncles, but the meaning of it was more like a facade, a play that needed to be acted out. I dont know if that even makes sense. It was all motions that was just done for me. Everything was. Well thats not entirely true always....there were times that I felt "family", I think....but not the true sense of the word like it should be until my first child was born. Only then did I understand.

So back to my thoughts.
Since I've last written, those of my "family" that had become completely toxic to me I've decided needed to remain at a distance, a very far distance and I've had no contact with them. My mother did send me a text message telling me "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY FROM YOUR MOTHER" yes - in capital letters.....It shouldn't have affected me like it did, I should have been able to ignore it, but to be totally honest to you, I felt a hot stab of anger run through my spine. It was words to jab, not meant in sincerity. the "FROM YOUR MOTHER" and the all caps say a lot in that text message. There is no argument that words can be read wrong, and there is no argument also that words meanings can be read clearly, books are written every day cleverly so that the reader knows the authors intent. My mother is a clever author. Well clever, and very obvious as well. Years of anger, criticism, & words thrown that can only be considered abusive, have boiled over finally and cannot be contained.
I've felt like this several times over the years.
Makes me wonder where I am right now. I'm neither here nor there, and some of you may know what I mean. When I started this blog, my intent, and still is, is to journal my path of "coming out" with my mental illness, and my journey with my new awakening faith. I feel like a child just born in so many ways taking baby steps as I go, and I at times have to retreat like I did recently and regroup. I know God has told me for my own recovery that I need to "walk it out". And I dont know where I'm going with all of this. Sometimes my head is so scattered, and where I stand in my journey is scattered too. I stand at crossroads a lot and dont know which paths to take. For someone like me, with Bi-polar disorder, we face that hurdle a lot, sometimes daily, sometimes many times a day. It becomes exhausting. The distrust we place in ourselves causes even more confusion in those decisions.
Thats kinda where I'm at.
When you are dealt a set back it takes longer to recover than a healthy minded person. Doesnt mean we wont, just means that it sometimes takes longer to work it out, think it through, analyze it, and decide which choice is safe for us. Safety is a big thing I think.
I'm reading a book right now that has me totally out of sorts today. Its called When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase. She is a woman with multiple personalities that suffered severe physical and sexual abuse by the hands of her step father and mother that started at the age of 2 and lasted until she was 16. Her mind at the age of 2 could not handle the abuse that began so it split into many different "persons" to absorb the abuse so that it did not destroy her. It is fascinating, startling, powerful, shocking, scary, profound, and a true account of her journey. Sometimes no words can describe what she has written. The terrible things she has gone through. There are no similarities between herself and I - let me get that straight, except for the fact that I guess you can call what my grandfather did to me was incest.
I didnt realize that.
Incest.
It hit me today like a freight train when that realization sunk in.
I'm an incest victim.
I'm not just a victim of sexual abuse, but something that sounds and is so much more dirty. Shameful. Incest. The word has haunted me all day. Even though it doesnt change what I've known all my life to be, putting that name to it, has turned me into a "ghost of myself" today. Images of things I've not thought about for so many years have sprung to mind so many times today against my will. Things that I cant put together and I've tried so hard to connect the memories and time line that its worn me out. Shards of memories of what happened, all that I hope one day to be able to voice out loud, like she did in this book. Thats my goal!!!! I want and desire that courage. The shame of that is so overpowering and my memories are so hidden no matter how hard I try to find them all. Just how old was I when it started, how many times, just what exactly happened besides what I remember? I admire Truddi Chase and all of her Persons - she survived something most of us would not and speaks about it with her head held high in hopes to help others. But for now, I'm going to have to be satisfied with myself to have the courage to say that "I am an incest victim".
Why did I have to buy this book, and why do I continue to read it? Well I cant stop, its an OCD thing of mine, and now I have to know if she overcame this severe adversity. I mean if SHE can, then I know that my problems that pale in comparison to hers, are just spilled milk.
I cant control my depression. Sometimes the meds dont either. I dont want to take the meds, I'm in that phase right now. I hate a life of every day waking up being ruled by medication.
People dont understand your moods, you dont understand your moods,you dont understand why you feel the way you do, act the way you act of feel the way you feel, and in turn you do not understand that in other people and you voice it, and you can have an obstinate attitude that you immediately regret - and cant find it within yourself to take back, lack of motivation, no energy all the time. And to top it off, these migraines I have. I'd rather be in a manic state than this. At least when I'm manic I feel something!
But right now I'm neither. manic or depressed. I'm nothing. Thats the bad place to be...feeling nothing. Your neither here nor there. So I have to fly by faith that God carries me during these times. He always has before. Only by the grace of God am I even here today typing this right now. My faith is strong, but my walk is weak right now. I'm trying, or am I? This rain....rain rain rain....it only rains these days and I cant think or want to do anything when it rains. Heck right now I'm not taking care of the important things in every day life, and I have all this time to work on my walk with God and I'm letting that slide. I usually go back and read what Ive written, wow thats a scary thought the way my thoughts are all jumbled today....maybe its best to leave it as it is, to actually journal the way it really is....for me. That is what this blog is about anyway. Its not always pretty.

Fly~N~By Faith : The Calling...

It was about a year ago when I felt that I should begin telling my story, and I even began a blog, hidden in private but to a few people. Still ashamed to come out of the shadows of who I am. For 38 years I've been trying to do just that, so why would I think it would be so simple that I could do just that when I wanted to tell my story all of a sudden? Because it was new to me to share what made me who I was. Oh, I thought for a long time that I was an open book to my friends, but I wasnt, I hid behind many walls and masks of "ME". But no one really knew the feelings that I hid deep in my soul, not even I.
Not until years later when I went through a very dark period of my life when the gates opened and the flood waters rushed all my emotions to the top and the spilled out in a chaotic pool around my feet, almost drowning me. So for 6 years I picked through the waters, drop by drop, and rather than build that wall up, I formed a river that runs in time with my soul as it should. It has rocks that it must go over, branches that have fallen from time that I could not pick up and I have learned that they are supposed to be there, they have helped me formed that river. God had that plan all along, just like the rivers you walk along side and marvel at on your walk through the woods, such is my inner soul today. Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the trouble it takes along my path through the woods, but God has held my hand and suddenly looking back, 6 years has come and gone and is a memory now.
So...back to the last year, as I sat, writing in my little hidden blog, half hearted attempts at a journal. Trying to get courage to come out of the shadows to speak about depression, illness, my faith, my lack of as well, my highs and my lows, childhood hurts and disappointments, cancer, recovery.....I couldnt get it. I quit. My heart wasnt there. My soul wasnt there.
Then a little over a month ago an angel sent me a gift in the mail. Now she really isnt an angel. Her name is Amy, a good friend, and I believe God was using her at the right time and moment that I was open to hearing him. She sent me a little book called "Completely His". And it changed things for me. (Which I'm sure you'll here me reference about in later posts). I woke up suddenly. My eyes were open, and here I was a year later, same spot, here on the computer, and after a month of feeling that same old tug to talk about my story, even if no one reads this, for me, I need to do this, I realized something. I DO NEED TO DO THIS. God was telling me, "Rachel, come out of the shadows, speak about your story, maybe someone needs to hear what you have to say, just maybe you have something to say." Of course I'm NOT a speaker, I'm not articulate, I do half way decent on a blog but as far as public speaking goes..forget it. I really struggled with this....for a time. I questioned why I would even attempt this again, who would read this blog, if anyone, and why would I put myself out there and become so vulnerable? I asked God this out loud!
After reading this wonderful book and changing my prayer life and getting answers to prayers in ways that were clear and precise I again got an answer that day.
I have a window that faces my front yard and I sat there just waiting, as if God was gonna appear on my front porch in front of me and just tell me what to do...silly me. Right? Right....well not so much in that way. But a mockingbird suddenly did appear on a bench right at the window signing so loudly staring at me, and trying to get in the window. He did this for several days afterwards, each time I would contemplate if I should start a blog today.....so I decided..Okay God- your telling me something with this little bird, I'm not a speaker, but I'll just Fly By Faith. So here I am, Flyn' by Faith. I dont know how it will go, if anyone will read, but I do know this....its something I need to do, if not for anyone else, but for me. By the way, since I've decided for sure to do this and made my promise to God...my little mockingbird friend has not been back....
So if your wondering if this is going to be one of those shove it down your face Christian writings, dont worry, its not, but I will speak about my faith, but I'm also not writing this to condemn anyone of any faith or religion, this is for anyone, of all kinds shapes and sizes. Its about struggle and rebirth. I'm writing this to tell my story, and my faith is just a part of my story. So I hope you'll bookmark me, and if you have struggled with the things I've mentioned, or have a family member who is I hope you'll come back to read more. This is just the beginning of this flight, and trust me - I'm flyn' by faith here and I dont know where this will take me. But I'm gonna tell it like it is for once, and come out of my shadows, reveal the rivers that once pooled around me in an ocean and almost swallowed me whole. I'm proud of where I've come from, proud I didn't drown in it all, so - this is my story.
By the way...My name is Rachel...and today, the sun shines in my shadows!