Leading Me....Part One

This has been a rough couple of weeks since I have posted. Seems that since I have decided to do what God has beckoned I have disrupted Satan's complacency and jarred him somewhat! Good...that makes me somewhat happy and gives me assurance that I've made the right decision to do this journal to tell about my walk and and to make a stop and ask you join the rest of the way with me!
But it doesn't mean that I wont walk through places I cant see the end of...and rely on God to lead me through just like the picture above....hit bumps along the way and hills and rocky mountains to climb.
In my last post I talked about NOT telling many people about my "illness". I laugh now (not a funny ha-ha but a sarcastic laugh) wishing I'd told no one at the time. I have found since that last post that even the people closest to you can be the cruelest. Family can be the worse to use this against you, especially when they themselves are struggling in their lives with unhappiness, or perhaps depression, or problems that you may not be aware of. I'm not here to air other peoples dirty laundry, skeletons...whats the point in that? I've had that done to me...a mother that says she loves me yet tells the small town we lived in everything I've said and done in the past, every step I've taken - every word I've made since I was 13. I know how that feels, and if you think people forget the one side of that story thats spun in the way a hurt and vindictive person spins it, trust me, they dont. You wear that letter on your chest forever. Yep your marked where ever you go. Small town people are more likely to know everyone and remember everything and people you dont know probably know you! Boy does word travel and gossip is like the daily news, and it may not be anything news worthy or "bad" but anything to talk about someone is great chatter and grows each time a story is told. So you can imagine just how it felt. Yet you hold your head high..well as high as you can, and paste a smile on your face and look them in the eye and pretend your some witch casting spells! By then superstition probably came into it anyway, and intimidate them the best you can, and they just kinda walk away with their downcast eyes...then you kind of laugh and go about your business and thank God for the good Godly people you have made as your friends and go home and cry. At that time I was going through my darkest hours and my mothers unknowingly gossip and talk was not helping me at all. I've come so far since then, really pulled myself from a fire that was surrounding me just within arms length and I got to the point that I finally had no where to go but up. I remembered the day I finally figured out I had to reach upwards to be lifted or I would burn too death. And I did rise from those ashes. God did spare me, I met a wonderful - truly WONDERFUL man who didnt judge me from all the stupid mistakes and looked at me like "so what - the past is the past and its really not as big as it is to you" when I told him about my life. Took my kids in with love, and loves me with every cell in his body. Not to say I dont aggravate the dickens out of him at times, but he accepts me for who I am and understands you take the good with the bad and love is a roller coaster, and a relationship is work, love is not something you just fall into, is something you DO. You find that kind of love when your not looking for it...all that time I'd been looking for it - which led me into all those wrong places. It really started me on the second step to recovery. Being with a healthy person, in a healthy relationship was such a new thing for me and the best thing that had happened to me next to my children.
Since I had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and making the stupid mistake of telling my family, who I assumed would support and get me through it, I've dealt with the occasional remarks insinuating that I'm wrong when they disagreed with me and its "just your illness". Ya know your told to inform your family so that they can see the warning signs of severe depression coming on. AND YOU SHOULD! Dont use me as the norm ok???? This is just my struggle...not one to take to heart, its not a functional family that I come from. So this is to be remembered as you read this!!!!! A very important warning I must give you!!!!
The past few weeks I have had to deal with this issue so many times in ways I've never had to before. Its spun me for a loop and stunned me until I'm numb. I've dealt with it quite well - I think.
I have dealt with anger from other people thrown at me, and when its broken down it comes from the result of THEM not doing what they should and deflecting that anger towards me so that they can feel better for not doing what they should be.
Anger is after all - a reflection of hurt and fear, disappointment of what is inside the person showing the anger.
The first time I refused to fight back, I smiled and spoke softly and only said "when you would like to sit and talk this out then please lets do so"....of couse this only fueled the fire and resulted in a good cussing out. It wasnt until, and the only way I could put this his Demons took over and said in a stream of hatefulness without so much of even a breath "So your telling me your not bi-polar anymore, huh, your just cured, not bi-polar huh,so your not "sick? you can just be "cured" . I could hear him spit as he spoke those hateful words and my mouth just dropped to the ground as his voice was dripping with hate and just pure evil. I was, for a lack of a better word, - stunned. Slapped silly by the taunting words. I almost laughed as my first reaction, and then the shaking began from my toes to the top of my head uncontrollably. Anger crept into me. But I took a breath, smiled.....and I just casually...well made it sound casually, said " You need to educate yourself before you talk about something you clearly know nothing about, but NO I'm not depressed. so when your ready to sit down and talk about the problems at hand....." and went on repeating what I had been saying in such a nice sticky sweet way that I had been repeating the whole time. I had refused to fight and it angered him. I did not let anger control and take over me. Okay minor break down afterwards, but within a short few minutes I was able to let it go! YAY ME! I cant tell you what a major ordeal that was what an accomplishment that was!!!!!!!!!!!
Back to family....the cruelest of all sometimes. Most of you probably have a great support system in your times of needs with your loved ones, your families. I wish I could say I did. I have a family...its just been re-formed these days from a group of loving and supportive friends that have become my family. So I am lucky. I'm not alone.
But your blood....it hurts to not have them with you as well. Its not natural.
Over the last year I have had to set boundaries with 3 of my family members. I already have a father that walked away from us when I was 13. So one down. An aunt that I was close to that has issues I hope she resolves one day. A mother that was such a great mom growing up. She and my aunt had a rough childhood with abuse and living dirt poor. Never getting help over the years left scars that never healed and sooner or later those wounds fester and I've really tried to keep that in mind. And last a brother that has grown into the likeness of my father.
I've tried to help my brother over the years...but you cannot help those who will not help themselves and there comes a point when you have to let go for your own sanity and the preservation of your family and say enough is enough when it becomes unhealthy for him and yourself. Tough love is just that..TOUGH. It is just as tough as the one having to show it. They just dont realize that tho'. And trust me, they will hate you at first. Addicts do. They will tell lies about you, be vindictive, scheme, say hurtful things you would never think would come from their mouths. Addicts come in various forms too....this one just happens to be video games, drugs, and alcohol, resulting in no job for over a year besides the odd temp jobs here and there, and not doing for his child as he should - and coming to the attention of officials. Yep I got blamed for it when those officials contacted me to help them out. So let him have his anger...I never dreamed he would be so hateful to tell lies on purpose to my mother to try to ruin my happiness and the happiness of my family and to try to devastate my life tho. Again I have a wonderful man tho has stood beside me and will fight along side me to preserve our home and family. And this is family? Addicts will do terrible things, say terrible things when they are forced to face their demons. When they no longer get their handouts.
My mother...sadly my mother feels the need to rescue him. Cannot show that tough love he so desperately needs. She believes every word from his mouth, and all I've heard since I've said and done what makes them uncomfortable by setting my boundaries, is that I'm hateful, I'm wrong and its all because of - yes - my "illness". Oh it set me back.....I found out about the lies he told her and Anger overcame me in such a way never before. I mean the wanting to throw things, screaming and yelling type of anger!!! It took me quite some time to calm down. Then I remembered something. Anger is just what Satan wanted to happen....I needed to stop and breathe...so pacing the house and breathing (which let me tell you was pretty hard to do) and calming myself and dealing with the betrayal all day really set me back. Laying on the couch with the covers over my head, not doing the things I should or know I need to to pull myself out of it was just too much. I KNOW in my heart I did the right and healthy thing. I did nothing wrong and what God wanted for me to do for my health and nothing I did was out of anger towards my family. I LOVE my family deeply in spite of the cruel words and criticism I face all the time from their lack of understanding of who I am and ignorance and unwillingness to understand me and bi-polar disorder. I know they feed on dysfunctional relationships, I honestly dont think they know HOW to have a normal healthy relationship after years of not having one, and they dont know me now. I mean I'm a new person, a stranger to them. So how can I expect them to relate to me now? I've prayed about what I do for a long time before I did it, and dont make a step before I get my answers from God, with assurance God is speaking to me clearly. So I know that I'm making clear and precise decisions. I am a changed person, its sad that people, even those who claim to be Christians dont seem to fully understand Gods grace and forgiveness! How powerful that it is! That a person can change into a loving and happy person with out anger and be able to let go of the past. People - let me tell you living in the past, your past or others, holding on to what someone has done to you - what you have done to them will never let you move forward. You have to let it go. Its crucial to your survival, your happiness. I'm not just talking about depression when I write my journal insert ANY problem you have when you read it relates to anything, and I wont just be talking about depressive things...LOL its not all dark...its just that when you decide to do something good you get attacked until you are strong enough to stop the attacks...and I am fighting it.
Your personal happiness is a treasure to your soul. No one should invade that and it should be something you protect at all costs. Even those you love the most. Even family relationships can be toxic. This doesnt mean you dont love them any less, but sometimes boundaries have to be set...there is a season for everything and right now my season is here to walk away from their dysfunction. I gave you the short of this story to show you that people can deal with some major issues and wake up the next morning and let it go. See the sun thats shining and love the ones that hurt you, but be able to walk away from it loving them, for a time. I dont like that it has to be that way, but it is needed for my own sanity. The sanctuary of my home was desecrated, my childrens home was threatened (or tried to be) by an evil vindictive lie by an addict that wanted revenge, and a mother consumed with the need to "take care" of him - from the tough love I was showing and he couldnt and didnt know how to deal with the first time I've said NO MORE, I'm DONE. He doesnt understand that you can totally use a person until there is no more to give. Mess with my kids and cross me in that way....then you will see a side of me you have NEVER seen. LOL
My boundaries are set....I'm not budging. My health - happiness- this walk I've been on to get to where I am is far more important to me than aiding in this unhealthy life style they are leading. The cruelty they bestowed upon me with phone calls and countless text's doesnt even deserve reply. Today is a new day.....and I'm proud of myself....God leads me through on solid ground..(thanks Amy for reminding me of that)
WOW! How amazing is his grace??????????!!!!!!!!
He saved even a wretch like me!
He kept me from the Demon of anger, I slept well last night, battled thoughts of sorrow, anger, and obsessive thoughts about yesterday. I got up today.....I'm even smiling. For me....I know that I have climbed a major mountain along my walk and I am looking back this morning at the top of this mountain and seeing that smoke that rises from the ashes that remain, left over from the fire I was once standing in so far back in the beginning of my journey!
What a sigh of happy relief.
Part 2.....next How did I smile today? Because he led me....

Some Times You Just Need To Listen...

I dont know what brought this to mind last night but in conversation I was reminded of a story I heard as a little kid and I remember thinking I was gonna make sure MY kids did this! The story goes like this...There was a father splitting wood for the fire so his wife could cook dinner on their wood stove for the evening, his young son played in a nearby tree he had often climbed in. This story had been passed down by the story teller by his grandfather and he wasnt sure of the exact time period, but it was a more innocent, simple time when kids knew how to play outside and use what is called "imagination" and men worked hard. Women still worked at home and both parents taught their children love and respect and prayed at the dinner table. And even more unheard of...the term "till death do us part" was taken seriously.
Every so often the father would look over his shoulder at his young son sitting in the tree keeping a close eye when he suddenly stopped and called out "son, I want you to sit there and be still - DONT move". He calmly walked over to the tree where his son was, with curious eyes, not moving, not even asking why, but you could see the question burning in his mind. "Son, do you trust me?" "Yes", he said. "Then I want you to close your eyes and sit very still and dont move a muscle". The son did just that. At the instant the boys eyes shut the fathers ax head came down just mere inches from the boys hand cutting a snake's head cleanly from its body, removing the boy from any harm. "Ok son, you can open your eyes...it was just a snake, your fine now". The storyteller goes on to tell that the young boy of course was excited to see the cool snake, but the father had to explain that the snake was poisonous and not to be played with. That is why it was important that he trust him and listen to him when he told him to not move.
I dont know if the story was true or not, BUT it has always stuck with me, and it was something I did try to teach my kids, and when they were little they did have that unquestionable trust. But times have changed. Outside influence has taught our children to ask "why".
I too was conditioned to ask "Why". Suffering from and with depression for as long as I can remember going back into my early childhood I have asked that question so many times if I had a penny for each time I said that word I'd be the richest woman on earth. Can you relate to that too? Did you know that in any given one year period, 9.5% of the population, or about 18.8 million American adults suffer from a depressive illness*? WOW...I think thats staggering. But how funny is how alone you feel. Its not something that you talk about when you go through depression. The stereotype has changed some today, but, its still there. People joke about getting their happy pills, and doctors over diagnose depression as if they were diagnosing a cold. Sometimes, people just get into a funk...not really a depression. So they joke...and dont understand just how it works for those of us that struggle with the illness.
Most people with depression never seek treatment...so 18.8 million is not an accurate number.
Astounding to me, and are the numbers also including those you really arent depressed? Hmmm guess its a question with no real answer.
I began to go through the worst experience of severe depression I'd had in my life back in 2004 and it was the first time I'd heard the term (by a wonderful attentive doctor who actually listened to me and started me on my path to healing) called Manic Depressive Disorder. Then he told me that I'd been treated wrong for several years and thats why I've never gotten out of my depression. He also told me that as a small child all the lonely feelings, always being on the outside looking in, being withdrawn, the sadness, melancholy, basically all the same symptoms I had at the time of my visit was a biological problem, not a "bad child - something wrong with you - snap out of it" problem. Then he said something that really freaked me out. Bi-Polar Disorder. WHAT?!? No...no not me...but you said Manic Depressive Disorder! What I found out, that IS Bi-Polar Disorder. I was numb. I WAS what I had often called people when I thought they were acting "crazy"! I was given a handful of paperwork, and books and told to go home, read and let it all sink in and come back in a week. I had visions of "Bi-Polar People" hearing voices, seeing things, padded cells, straight jackets, mental hospitals! Well I did my reading, Internet research (let me tell you the Internet kinda scared me more than I scared myself, no real life information from anyone on there!!!!) and I went back to my doctor. I told him my fears and asked him. "Am I crazy?" He looked me in the eye, took my hand, and said in a firm voice, "You need to trust me, do you trust me and sometimes you just need to listen instead of trying to do everything yourself?" and after seeing him for some time I said yes. "NO, your not crazy." He went on to explain how Bi-Polar disorder is such a broad spectrum disorder and luckily I was not on the high end thats where people do hear voices and see things. And after his discussion with me, I changed my thinking..NO ONE is crazy..I hate that term. People are only ill. So....other than finding out Bi-Polar disorder IS a mental illness, it is a form of depression....SEVERE depression...that can come and go...it has highs and lows...when your high - wow your high! When your low - you can suffocate! Its not something you can do on your own, well you can, but the rate of suicide with those suffering Bi-Polar Disorder is 15% - 30 times higher than the general population. Some studies have come up with 30% - 50% risk rates!**
BUT the most important thing that I learned on that visit was this, and this is what I want to share with you.
If you have been told that you suffer from Bi-Polar disorder or Manic Depression. YOU ARE NOT BI-POLAR, YOU ARE NOT MANIC DEPRESSIVE.....change your thinking, this is an illness. Would you say you are cancer? You are diabetic? No - you wouldnt. You first change your way of thinking in order to conquer this...you start saying I HAVE Bi-Polar Disorder, I HAVE Manic Depression. I hear so many people say " I am Bi-Polar". I have to laugh and say "WOW how did that happen? Did you mean you have?"
Right now I'm being really open to you about my illness....but its something about me that only a handful of people know about me. And I mean I can count on one hand the number of people that know that about me. So this blog is a baby step for me. I think thats okay, it IS personal. People still view anyone with any type of mental illness as crazy. I'd like to educate and support if I can, even in a small way by telling my story if I can. It took me a long time to understand how my illness worked, to understand my triggers and how to pull myself out of deep depression when it hit. It IS a fine art that takes a lot of time and sometimes it sneaks up on me. Sometimes no matter what I do, I cant fight it and without medication and my faith I probably wouldnt be typing this to you today. Sometimes circumstance still puts me in depression though not major (and sometimes major), and it happens often, but I can pull myself out of it. I've learned to lean on friends, talk talk talk alot. I have to talk when I get depressed or see myself "slipping" as I call it. If I hold in the things that bother me...then I fall. Things bother me that dont bother others. I dont know why, they just do, its my brains make up. I have learned not to make some choices by myself too, I cant, my judgements arent always good ones.
I have learned that sometimes I need to just listen to people I trust and surround myself with good people. It took me a long time to learn that. A long time to stop asking "why" so often. I still do. Its a frustrating illness. But its controllable. Like the young boy in the tree who listened to his Father....I now have to lean on my Heavenly Father for advice and guidance. I stumbled a long time on my own, bad judgement calls and choices that my illness caused me to make. Those are a lot of the things I'm gonna talk about in this journal, it is my story, its what I have to tell, its the REAL side of this illness that people dont often talk about. Those bad choices, what it does to your family, your friends, the lasting effects and how it changes you for good. Not all bad either...it either breaks you...or it makes you stronger. I chose to rise from the ashes.
Its a daily thing that I wake up and remind myself now...."dont forget today you may need to stop and listen!"

*http://www.anxietypanic.com
**Http://www.bipolar-lives.com